Tuesday, May 27, 2008

'How Not to Irritate People"

"How Not to Irritate People"

Mary’s husband handed her the newspaper and said, “You really ought to read this article.”

John said to his brother-in-law, “You should try my barber. He does a great job.”

“You ought to listen to this radio talk show,” Richard told his next-door neighbor. “The host is great.”

If I were Mary, John’s brother-in law, or Richard’s next-door neighbor, I would not have welcomed that unsolicited advice. How can another person know what I need?

All of this advice would have gone down more easily if made in the form of a suggestion:
Mary’s husband: “Dear, here’s an interesting article that you may want to read.”
John to his brother-in-law: “I get the impression you’re not happy with your barber. I’d be happy to give you the name of my guy. He gives a really good haircut.
Richard: “I’ve enjoyed listening to Henry Livingston on talk radio. You might want to try him out.”

Love and blessings,
PSG

"How to Talk so They'll Listen"

How to Talk So They’ll Listen

When we need to confront someone about something they do or have done that hurts, it’s best to front it in with a “cushion” that softens what you want to say and that acts as a buffer for you.

Susan complained about how her mother constantly criticized her in subtle ways and, sometimes, in not so subtle ways. The mom would say, “I don’t see why you need so many pairs of shoes,” or, “Why don’t you do something with your hair?” Susan, feeling resentful toward her mother, usually reacted in a hostile way that made matters worse.

I coached her to do it this way: “Mom, I love you more than I can say and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you do for me. And, there’s something else I need to say. When you criticize me and run me down, I can’t tell you how it hurts.”

I haven’t heard from Susan how it turned out.

I had a supervisor once that reacted negatively when I brought up an issue between us, or requested something from him. One day, I said, “Sam, I am a self-starter, as you know. I work hard and am dedicated. But, once in a while, I’d like a word of thanks or a nod of appreciation.”

He lunged forward in his chair and, glaring at me. said, “Peggy, just what is it that you want from me?”

The next time I needed to confront him or ask for something, I began with this remark: “Sam, I need to bring up something, but I’m not sure that I won’t be sorry.”
It worked. He listened and we got the problem solved.

Love and blessing,
PSG