Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Problem of Being Owed

The Problem with Being Owed


Feeling “owed” exacts a high price.

It’s easy to feel that someone or “the system” owes us something. We’ve had such a hard life. We’ve worked hard, sacrificed and, perhaps, have been mistreated or neglected. “After all I’ve done for you,” or, “After all I’ve been through,” are our favorite plaints. Surely “they” owe us.

What’s wrong with that?

It leads to resentment. Hanging on to resentments is called “gunnysacking.” If you don’t know what a gunnysack is, ask an “old-timer” who used to pick cotton. Ask him about the burden he pulled along behind him, between the rows, and how exhausting it was.

Maybe we feel so special that the fog of resentment blocks our appreciation for our good fortune and gratitude for what has been given us.

Sometimes, feeling “owed” gives us license to take back what we believe “they” owe us. We begin to infringe of others’ property or rights in order to even the score.

Perhaps we wait for what’s owed us. We’re stuck in the muck of inaction and not getting anywhere. We’re waiting to get on with our lives until we get what we’re owed—an apology, an admission that they were wrong, a thank-you for what we’ve done, or an acknowledgement of how hard it’s been for us.

Perhaps we’ve given so very much that there is no amount of appreciation that can repay our sacrifices or heal our wounds. Perhaps the hurt and sacrifice happened so long ago, that the offenders no longer exist. Who is left to make amends on behalf of those who harmed or used us? Can it ever be enough? Or is this hurt so much a part of us, so precious, that we can’t let it go? What does it take for us to “get off it,” get over it, let it go, finally?

We wait and wait. We wait until we decide that what we’re waiting for is not worth our very lives. We make a choice between existing and living. We get tired of "feeding on straw when a banquet awaits us on the other side of the fog."

We begin to experience energy and peace we haven't known.

Love and blessings,
Peggy Grose

How to Communicate

How to  Not Be Opinionated
Tom was known as being opinionated, often expressing his views in a rather overbearing manner. Others who may have agreed with him may have wanted to respond but he didn’t give them a chance. Tom made his statement in a way that precluded any further discussion. “I’ve had my say and that about covers it,” appeared to be his attitude, “Nothing more needs to be said.”

Sam, who disagreed with him, took the bait, expressing an apposite view in an equally aggressive way. Neither heard the other and neither learned a thing. They both became hostile and agitated and, possibly, experienced a rise in blood pressure. The hostility was nothing more than fear, the great barrier to effective communication.

How do you know when you are being opinionated? When you confuse what is simply your opinion or belief with what is fact. Opinions and beliefs change; facts do not. Why not try to present your opinions and beliefs as what they are, not as facts? They go down easier.

Example:
Opinion: That’s a boring class.
Fact or belief: I’m bored with that class.

Opinion: MacArthur was a bloodthirsty general.
Fact or belief: My college professor said that MacArthur was blood thirsty general.

Opinion: God doesn’t care about us as individuals and doesn’t get involved in our daily lives.
Fact or belief: I don’t believe that God cares about me individually or follows me in my daily life.

Here are some examples of ways to express your opinion without being offensive:
“It is my opinion that…”
“I’ve been thinking…”
“I was reading the other day about…”

If you tend to throw your opinion around, try to be more of a listener. Instead of stating an opinion right off the bat, try asking about the other person’s views first.
Here are some examples:
“What to you think about…”
“I’ve been wondering about…What do you think?”
“Have you heard about…?”

When you discuss issues, what is your goal, to gain an understanding, or to win an argument?

Be careful; by listening, you may learn something, or even change your mind!

Telling equals talking.
Asking equals listening.
If you are doing more telling than asking,
you are doing more talking than listening.

love and blessings,
Peggy Grose

Monday, June 9, 2008

How to Handle Rejection

Being rejected is hard. It's one thing we all dread and we take it personally.

I recently was turned down for a job I had applied for. Because it was the first time I had ever been turned down for a job, it was a blow to my ego but good for my character.

I once did consulting for a small company that installed metal doors, with the hardware, in commercial buildings. I helped them with communication and general management problems.

Todd was a dear young man whose job was to contact contractors and ask permission to place bids on jobs. Todd's problem was that he just couldn't handle the rejection and used any excuse to avoid making the calls.

I remembered, from one of Dale Carnegie's books, how he handled rejection. If he was turned down in trying to enroll someone in the Dale Carnegie Course, he would say to the prospect, "Thank you so much. You have helped me in making one more step toward the person who will agree to register for this course."

I gave Todd this assignment: He had to turn in a quota of at least ten "no's" for each day, with names and phone numbers. Now, each "no" was a success, rather than a rejection. It worked.

When you hear a "no," just realize that you're one more step toward a "yes."

Love and blessings,
Peggy Grose